6.11 Self portrait

Writing a character from his own perspective. Took me days to get round to this. I found it quite daunting.

What I’d really like is for Janine to take me seriously, stop taking the piss. She thinks it’s just office banter when I’m nice to her, when I call her babe and compliment her on her perfume or her latest necklace, but I mean it. I mean, I really like her. And why would a woman wear perfume in the office anyway if she didn’t want men to be attracted to her?

She’s got lovely skin, has Janine. I always notice a woman’s skin. Perfect skin is the mark of beauty. A woman can have awful features, a big nose, crooked teeth, be a bit of a dog basically – but if she’s got perfect skin a good photographer can make her look like a goddess. It’s all down to lighting and depth of field, and getting that catchlight in the eye so that she’s got a spark about her. All photog’s tricks. And yes there’s Photoshop. But do you want to spend a couple of days blurring out pimples and scars on every picture with every bridesmaid? No you don’t. God, and the tatts. A nightmare.

No, Janine would photograph lovely from the word go. Naked shoulders, she’s got nice collarbones. And the softest peachiest skin between her breasts. You can see it when she leans forward over the filing drawer. She always wears a V-neck. I read an article in the dentist waiting room that said if you’ve got an ample bosom (that’s what the magazine called it), you should wear a V-neck to break up the expanse of chest. If you’re a woman that is.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a lech. I would like the chance, obviously, with Janine. But I appreciate a woman’s beauty. God knows I have to photograph a hell of a lot of brides who’ve ruined themselves with babies and tattoos and getting fat. And they want me to make them look like Cameron Diaz on their wedding day.

Not that I can talk. I know I’m overweight. ‘Morbidly obese’ the doctor said. But I’m tall, I’m well-built. There’s just a bit too much of me, and it puts women off.

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